I can't stop...

crying and thinking of the baby that could have been when I miscarried. I just looked at the calendar and it was 5 months ago today. I wonder if on every anniversary of my child's death I will feel sad and upset?

I think constantly about how he would have looked similar to Grammy and would have been the same strong willed and intelligent kid that she is. Boy, those two would have been a dangerous match for each other.

I walk past where he is buried in our backyard and I can't believe how the plants around the magnolia tree are doing. They have always been pretty conservative vines and never really taken off. This year they are almost covering the whole surface area of the magnolia tree trunk.

I like to think that it's my baby that's giving them life. If he was just strong enough to actually come into this world and take a breath...

I must admit that the past few days I have been mourning the kid that never was.

Not only the one that we lost in December...but the one that Margot and me could have genetically been a part of. I realize that we tried and it didn't work.

But, I just feel that it's so unfair that we'll never be able to see the both of us in one child. That the chance was there and offered but now it's been taken away.

I know things change and situations change...but that doesn't change my feelings of being sad and feeling like once again I've the shitty end of the deal.

For someone to promise to help us out after all we've been through (4 years of infertility, a miscarriage) -- only to change his mind half way into it. This was the one thing that I held onto as I laid on our couch and lost the baby in the wee morning of that Thursday, December 28th.

I held onto the thought months later that Margot and I would finally have a child that looked like both of us. The idea of this was what got me through many painful months. I kept thinking "maybe this child was meant to be genetic to both of us" and that's why it hasn't worked yet.

I can't imagine my feelings are going to change much on this topic because I feel like it's just another great oppourtunity that has entered into my life only to be taken away.