Right when I thought it was all okay...

It isn't.

The reality is no matter how hard I try ... I just can't forget it all.

Tonight we went out for dinner and the little things that even before might have bothered me a little - bothered me a lot.

There was a pregnant waitress at the restaurant that we were at...and I saw her baby belly...and just thought about how in a couple of months "I should have had a baby bump."

Then as we were leaving the restaurant we saw a cute little baby. Then I thought about how hard it's going to be come August to see newborns. Knowing that very well, I would have had a newborn in August.

When I went to the bathroom at the resturant I just sat on the toilet and cried. Each time I see blood whether it be on the pad or on the toilet paper it just reminds me of the sac that should have carried my baby for the next 9 months.

It makes me sad that it failed me.

Tonight when we got home I just really felt the need to check on "it" in the backyard. It was dark so I took a flashlight out with me. On my way out I decided to tell Margot cause I didn't want her to not know where I was going.

She told me that last night she woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to put one of Grammy's toys over the plot so that the neighbor dog wouldn't dig it up.

Of course, that made me almost sadder because I realized that this has been on her mind just as much if not more than my own.

When I went out there it was somewhat of a relief to see that everything was just the way we left it after the ceremony. The rocks were in the same place and the soil looked fresh.

I walked over and then started crying. I apologized a few times and with tears rolling down my face I said "I love you".

I just wish I would have been able to say those words to my child face to face.

Each day...

tends to get a little bit easier. Margot and me talked quite a bit last night and just went over some things that we had been thinking.

We also started talking about the next step and where to go from here. I feel somewhat numb but I feel like I just need to move on and I'm tired of feeling sad. I don't think it's ignoring any emotions...I just feel like I can't go be down anymore.

So, I think we are going to go ahead and go forward with another IUI as soon as we can. My bleeding has slowed down quite a bit almost to where I'm not bleeding at all or if I do it's in the toilet as I'm peeing.

I think for the most part -- I'm doing alright physically and just want it all to be over.

A friend was telling me that it takes a good 6-8 weeks to get your period after a miscarriage so once I get my period I'll be able to start up on another cycle.

I think we're going to stick with our plan of using 2480 - we have one vial left then go from there. Who knows...stranger things *have* happened and this could work.

I guess all in all...I just have to have faith in the process. Even if I'm not 100% gung-ho about the process...I feel like I have to have hope and faith that I'll get pregnant at some point and I'll be holding a newborn in my arms in our future.

*sigh*

Well, that was short lived.

I've been posting mainly on the other website - but figured I should probably update this one too.

I miscarried. December 28th.

It was quite tramatic and I had been spotting for nearly a week and a half then all of a sudden that morning I woke up to a huge clot feeling like it was coming out. I was sleeping at the time and ran downstairs. Then it dropped in the toilet. I screamed and Margot came down.

We just cried and held each other. It was the single worst moment of my life. To know that I was losing our baby and there was nothing that either of us could do.

Fast forward to days to today. We buried the remains and basically it just looked like a big blood clot. I just couldn't bear to see it...whether it was just too much blood or just knowing that that was the baby that never happened.

Either way...I've got to figure out how to move on. I went for an emergency session yesterday with my shrink and that was helpful. I think I'll continue going once a week or so until I figure some of this stuff out.

Just if I could fast forward everything to like 2 months from now -- it'd probably help!

Dating?

Oh boy...ya gotta love going on that first date! The great thing about online dating is that you somewhat get through the kinks of the "first date" in the comfort of your own home with your keyboard in front of you and maybe even in your pajamas!

JustSayHi offers a free dating service for those searching singles out there! We've actually had friends go through other services and they were so expensive. Of course even more ridiculous than that is that they charged for every single thing!

This can obviously get expensive and if it's still not working then not only are you dateless and lonely...but also broke!

I feel guilty...

This was my baby blog and I've really been bad about posting! I've been posting mainly on the other blog because I've somewhat run out of time and it's pretty tedious to post twice.

But I will make more of an effort to post on this blog and post different information on what I'm feeling, etc.

So, the news - I'm pregnant!!!

I was having some cramping at 4 weeks 5 days last week and we got an ultrasound. It showed 2 sacs!

Then I had some light discharge almost like a mucusy pink and brown so we got to go for an ultrasound Friday. We saw one perfect sac.

There was quite a sense of relief - I must admit! Having 3 kids under 3 scared the living crap out of me! Not to mention the dangers of carrying two babies.

It makes me quite sad that my parents aren't involved and it seems like they could honestly give two craps. I called my dad to tell him and he said "well, I know you wanted this." and then the conversation ended.

Then last week my mother sent us a Christmas card, ornaments, and checks and I called to thank her. She was cold as ice.

Being a parent, I can't imagine how she can be so cold to her child. When I asked her if she had heard she said "yes, your father told me." Then preceded to say how he saw it on our website - but she didn't go to our website.

After such a cold conversation and I got the feeling she just didn't give a shit -- we ended the conversation. It upset me but not to the point that it used to upset me. I know she's just a very mean and hateful person and this has always been the case.

Every time I find happiness she tries to find way to ruin it. This time, I've really learned to find love and acceptance from different people.

So, unfortunately, instead of my parents being happy, active, and a loving role in Graem and the new babies life....I'd rather surround ourselves with Margot's brother, her Aunt and Uncle, and our close friends.

Life is too short.

10 days past ovulation

So here I am 10 days past ovulation - 3 days til I do my beta and I'm not quite sure what to think.

I promised Margot I wouldn't do a HPT and so I really have no idea if it worked or not. I'm dying to test because it would be either negative or positive today and I think it'd be a pretty clear indicator. Especially since I bought the good tests.

I've had some cramping and I can't tell if it's period cramps or other cramping. It's more sharp cramping on either side than dull cramping in the middle.

Also, I've had a little bit of nausea that comes and goes -- but I haven't really had much in the past few days.

My boobs aren't sore and I haven't gained any weight.

One thing that I realized is because I will more than likely be substituting Wednesday I can't get my blood test. AUGH.

So, I'm probably going to take a HPT Tuesday night and then go Thursday for my blood test. Unless I can get to the hospital by 3:00 and then hopefully, call by 4:00pm to get the results Wednesday.

It's weird cause I feel pretty emotional the past few days and overall just plain shitty. I feel like maybe this didn't work and I'm just sick of getting the short end of the deal. I feel like I've already been through so much and why can't this just fucking work already.

Sorry for the profanity -- but anyone who's been through this knows it's not easy and even though you try to be sensible there's nothing sensible about not getting pregnant after $45,000 of infertility treatments.

9 days past ovulation

Well, over the past few days I've been feeling yucky. Plus, a little twitching and cramping here and there. But I just don't know.

It's extremely inconsistent. Not to mention that my boobs don't hurt at all.

I guess the good thing is that I still have "some" symptoms this late. I think this time last month I didn't feel anything and realized that cramping I was getting was my period trying to come but the prometrium wasn't letting it!

I'm just taking it one day at a time -- I really have no idea if it worked or not at this point. I'm not sure I will until I see that home pregnancy test Wednesday or get the call from my blood test!

Not one darn symptom.

So, I have absolutely no symptoms yet! I know, I know - it's so early and the embryos haven't even implanted yet!

But you know me --- I like to bitch and moan about something!

I think today and tomorrow would be the days that the embryo would try to latch on to my uterus. Maybe I'll feel something?

One of my dear infertility friends who I did a cycle with in Las Vegas - and is a doctor said that - she has this very weird sense that this cycle worked.

She didn't say that last time or even the cycle in Las Vegas.

I figure that if it did work we'll get to do an ultrasound right around Christmas! That would be the Christmas gift of a lifetime.

4 days past ovulation

Today I should have a 4 or 5 day embryo if everything is on schedule. I've had some twinges here and there and swear that I have twitchy ovaries.

I actually had sore breasts before I started PIO and progesterone.

But other than that -- I haven't had any real symptoms.

The next few days are implantation days and we will see what happens.

I should know by next Wednesday if this works or not. WOO WOO!

Oh, we looked at the new Chinese Donor that just got released. He seems alright - however, he comes off a little pretentious. We'll see. I'm not going to order his full profile until I know for sure that this one didn't work. All in all, he seems like a good donor and he's really our only option for tall Chi-nee donor!

1 day past insemination!

So yesterday I was feeling very full - I kept telling Margot that I was full of sperm but she insists that it's just my ovaries that are huge!

Today, I feel full and also a little achey.

I'm really taking this cycle in stride and I have a lot going on these days - so it helps with me not focusing on "if I'm pregnant" more or less.

I'm still not going to do pee sticks - at least for the time being. Of course, I'm not too tempted now cause I know there's no way I'm pregnant quite yet.

It's not until I get on progesterone and oil and I start having pregnancy symptoms that I feel "pregnant" and then want to test every 30 minutes.

This time -- I figure "whatever" -- seriously though. If it's meant to be it will be and no amount of testing in the world is going to have it come positive.

I feel we did the best we could do this insemination and it should work.

However, we know how that works.

Insemination today

Well, we went in this morning for our second IUI with injectibles. I had tons of follicles and one was as big as 36mm! I think I might have ovulated that one already. The others were around 22-25mm and my lining looked good.

We used donor 2480 and he had 24.5 swimmers. Luann did the insemination and once again, Margot pushed the plunger.

Today I just feel full. Not sure if it's full of sperm or what.

I've also been peeing every 45 minutes or so...

I started Lovenox tonight and will continue that til my blood test 12/13. I start up progesterone in oil and progesterone suppositories Sunday.

Oh God...I hope this works.

Todays u/s and bloodwork with the dildo cam (uncensored)

Today is cycle day 7 of my cycle and we went in this morning at 8:15 for our appointment. We actually had the chance to meet the new doctor and he seemed nice. I asked a few questions about the meds I was on.

When it was time to use the dildo cam I swear the guy was no where close to my vagina. It literally took 5 minutes for him to find my uterus and I felt like he was rooting around in that area for days!!

When he finally was able to find the girls - there appeared to be 2 dominant follicles on both ovaries. There were quite a few smaller follicles on each ovary too.

I guess at this point I should feel happy that we're going for quality instead of quantity...but I can't help but feel sad that I'm not producing tons of eggs!

Of course, I guess from a logistic standpoint, at least I'm not wasting tons of eggs on IUIs and I can save all my eggies for IVF.

My next appointment is Monday, but until then I am suppose to say on 300 of Gonal-F and 75 of Repronex.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Although, I use this blog mainly to bitch about how I'm not pregnant - it can't be forgotten that I'm so thankful for the many wonderful and amazing things that I do have.

I'm thankful for my beautiful daughter who brightens my day, everday, with her smile. I'm also thankful for my supportive partner, who makes me a better person each day.

The one thing that I'm most thankful for is - my family and our health. I'm glad that we are able to share special days together, laugh, and be there for each other.

Here's wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

Consult IVF NJ

I was quite impressed with Dr. Treiser. She was referred to me by my friend Dawn who got pregnant using donor eggs on the first try. Unfortunately, my chart didn't make it to her in the mail and so I had to go over all of my history and labs over the phone.

She suggested doing 450 of Gonal-F and 75 of Repronex when I do IVF. She also wants to start me on Metformin/Glucophage Extended Release Tabs and would like to see me go up to 3 tabs a day over a period of time.

She thinks I do have PCOS and wants me to do the Glucophage to increase egg quality. In the past I haven't been able to tolerate the effects of the medication but I'm going to try to give it another shot.

I feel like I'm in the home stretch to actually being able to do IVF and although, I hope I get pregnant with these IUIs I know the chances are very rare.

We are actually going to use Graem's donor for this insemination and then our Chinese donor through The Sperm Bank of California should be available for the IUI and IVFs.

Here's hoping and praying!

CD 5

So, I can't believe I'm already on CD 5. Wow. How time has flown by!

I have been taking my meds like a good girl and only messed up once. (Okay, so maybe I messed up last night too!)

Nothing too major though. I think I just gave myself 150 ius too much of Gonal-F the first night!

Tuesday I was feeling major ovary activity and last night I felt just a little but not much at all.

Last night I woke up in a panic cause I left my Gonal-F pen out and not in the fridge. When I stepped into the spare bedroom (Dennis is sleeping in there) the room was HOT. So I had to move all of my meds out of that room and into the nursery.

My next appointment is Saturday at 8:15 for bloodwork and ultrasound. I've stopped my period for the most part.

I have no idea how I might be responding. The ultrasound Tuesday revealed I had about 14 follicles or so. So, it'll be interesting to see if all of the follicles grow the same or if I have some leaders.

CD 2

So today I got all of the meds that the mysterious angel sent and it's a HUGE BOX!

Complete with about $4,000 worth of meds and unused needles. WOW.

So, I'm starting to get excited once again about this cycle. However, I'm not going to pee on sticks and just going to hope and pray that it works. Plus, I'm not going to change my life completely!

I go in tomorrow for cycle day 3 bloodwork, ultrasound, and a review of the meds that I will be on for this cycle.

The good thing is that I can go aggressive this cycle and still have enough injectible medications for next cycle if this one doesn't work.

Then my stupid ass insurance gets to pick up the tab. Bitches.

Got my period!

So, I started my period tonight. I'm almost glad to be honest. That way we can, yet again, move forward.

It looks like I'm going to have meds for the next cycle and so I'm really ready to get into it.

BOGO donor is no longer available. So we are going with a newly released donor. Tall Chinese and of course the girl at the sperm bank said he's good looking. So he sounds hopeful to us!

We'll see how it goes. I've gotta stay positive about the whole thing cause that's the only way I'm going to get the BFP!

Big frickin' negative

Well, I went in for bloodwork and as expected negative.

What more can I say but "this sucks"

It should have worked this cycle and I was really really hopeful.

13dpo

Okay, so it's 13 days past ovulation and still nothing.

I think it's pretty safe to say "I'm not pregnant".

Totally a bum deal and I'm pretty sad about the whole thing. I just wish it would have worked.

I'm going to see if I can talk to Dr. Kiltz tomorrow. I called today and asked a few questions. I spoke to Donna and she answered my questions but didn't really offer much more. She also seemed pretty hurried.

I just want to know if there are any other tests that can be run. Is there an issue with my immune system kicking out the embryos? Is there something going on with my lining?

I wish there were more answers.

11dpo

Okay, in infertility terms this is eleven days past ovulation. Which means that I think I ovulated Thursday and well, it's been eleven days since then.

I'm quite sad today because aside from peeing on a test and getting a negative - I just feel like it didn't work. That if it was going to work I would have already had a glowing positive on those damn tests.

And although, I said I wasn't going to test til Monday I went ahead and cracked this afternoon. The whole idea behind that of course was that I was having some period cramping and thought either:
A. the embryos were implanting nice and good
B. My period is knocking on the door

Unfortunate for me, since I'm on the progesterone in oil shots and the suppositories - my period won't come until I stop the meds. Then typically, it takes my body 1-2 weeks to start my period.

Pure bullshit - is all I can think. I just don't know why I can't be the 25-35% who get pregnant with IUIs. What's worse is that when someone gets the Ovarian Hyperstimulation you're suppose to have a 75% chance of getting pregnant in that cycle. So added together with the regular 25% chance of getting pregnant --- I should have had a 100% chance of getting pregnant. Shit.

I know it's hard for Margot when I start to get down so I'll try to stay as positive as possible. I mean what's a few more days?

I brought up what we were going to do for the next cycle today and she didn't want to talk about it.

So, I guess I'll call CNY tomorrow to see if they can move my beta up one day and until then keep doing the shots.

Bleah.

Kinda bummed...

So, over the past few days I've been feeling so bloated and overall - F-A-T. I haven't even been able to wear my clothes because I can't buckle them!

Last night, I had some nausea when laying down and watching Alias. I was sure that I'd find a positive pregnancy stick this morning.

I also started my progesterone shots last night too.

Well, at three o'clock I woke up - peed on a stick - and nothing. Only one line.

AUGH. How frustrating.

I know that it's still way too early and I'm not sure why I like to abuse myself like this! But I'm just looking for some sign that this worked. I was told by the nurse the other day that if I started feeling worse then more than likely I'm pregnant.

Last night, I thought it was happening....then this morning. Nothing. No too lines, no sickness!

I'll give it another shot tomorrow and every morning til my beta. I'm still holding out hope to see those two lines -- I just wish it'd HURRY UP.

Doctors appointment today

I went into CNY Fertility today because I was concerned that I had Ovarian Hyperstimulation.

I've had cramping lately, bloating, and my upper tummy is a bit bigger than it usually is! I've also been constipated and last night was my first "relief" in over a week! My boobs are still sore too.

They did an ultrasound and my ovaries were three times the size they are suppose to be. My lining looked nice and thick at 10mm. I did have some fluid in my ovaries but not enough to drain my ovaries or my chest.

I was basically told that over the next few days the embryos would be implanting and I needed to take it easy. If I gain weight, have problems breathing, shortness of breath, or severe cramping that I should call back.

Basically, if the symptoms get worse... it would mean that I'm pregnant since the HCG released by the embryo contributes to the ovarian hyperstimulation.

So, I hope I don't start feeling better! But, I really don't want to become severely hyperstimulated because it could mean draining fluid from my lungs, liver failure, and going into the hospital.

Only time will tell! Today, I'm resting on the couch and I'm really just taking it easy and drinking tons of fluids. I was also put on the Progesterone in Oil shots. I feel that they are better and really help build the uterine lining better than the suppositories. I figure I'll just do both!

Friday will be the first day I officially do a home pregnancy test -- way too early -- but I figure it'll give me something to do for the day. (Graem will be in daycare and I'm suppose to be on bedrest!)

Feeling the same

Well, nothing much has changed as far as how I feel. I still feel some twinges and achiness in my lower abdominal area.

Also, on my upper tummy it's like rock hard. I don't know what that's about either. Maybe it's because I've been doing so many situps my fat has metabolized into muscle? YEAH RIGHT.

This might be TMI, but my nipples (only the direct nipple, itself) was really very sore last night.

Of course, all of these are good symptoms, however --- they can all be caused by the Progesterone suppositories that I take each night!

Only 3 more days til I take another pregnancy test! WOO WOO!

Sleepy family

Last night we were all so tired!

Margot came home and was starting to get sick. She was crampy and didn't eat much.

Graem was a pill because she had only taken a 45 minute nap.

And I was just damn tired!

So, we went to bed right after Prison Break!

Just like the good ole days - pre-kid when Margot was pregnant!

We had a great day!

Today Grammy and me woke up, ate some oatmeal, grazed on other various leftovers and at 11am went out on the town.

We first went to Autozone to pick up a new headlight. The CRV headlight had been out for about a week!

Then we went to the Library. Graem went running around as usual and there were a few moms and their kids there. It was nice and quiet and I didn't have to worry about her getting too far. She was very interested in the table with all of the beads and equally interested in the child safety seat located in the bathroom. (see above picture!)

We then went to Alphabet Soup where Graem played with all of the toys and made a list of toys that she'd like for Christmas. (See Graem's amazon wish list!)

After that we went to the playground and Graem played with some of the other kids. She was getting pretty fussy so we decided to call it a day and head home.

She ended up taking a very short nap in the car and now she's being VERY needy and God knows she could/should probably go down for another nap!

How I'm feeling today...

well, I can't say I feel pregnant or not pregnant quite yet. Of course, it's so early supposedly the fertilized egg has just worked its way down the fallopian tubes and is looking for the perfect spot in/on the uterus. Where it will bury itself, like a bone.

I still feel very bloated, peeing every few hours, and HUNGRY.

But I think the hunger thing is just cause I'm a "hefty kid".

Tomorrow's (Today's) plans

Tomorrow, I plan on taking Grammy to the Sciencecenter so she can romp around, play on the watertable, and we can look at the animals!

We have a family pass so it's a nice, FREE, activity that is sure to tire her out for a nice nap!

After that we have to make a Wal-mart run to get a front headlight.

Then it's back home for nap time!

Lately, Graem's been falling asleep in my arms on the couch. Tonight she was so cute and said unprompted "I lub you, Mom mom" and "I lub you, Mommy".

Talk about melting my heart. Those were the absolute best words in the world and I'll never forget it.

So close...

and it's only 5:04am! So, I have to have 20 posts on my blogger account before I can use PPP and by God, I've been a major blogger lately.

In fact, over a 3 day period I've been able to post 18 times.

Wow, this could make blogger history. Or, I might lose friends once they realize how truly moneyhungry and lame I am for posting about bowel movements and the extraction of my urine!

How wrong is this?!?!?

So, I just did a payperpost (PPP) that talked about a Catholic podcast.

How "forgiving" of me to support a church that detests gays/lesbians and "allow" them to advertise on my website.

Hey, $5.00 is $5.00 right?

Even if I have to sell my sole directly to the devil.

So damn cold...

Okay, so it's 29 degrees outside and I think sometime this week we are expected to get snow. I really do like the changes that occur in the seasons.

But, I'm now reminded why I *HATE* winters up here!

Of course, this will be the second winter that I've been home with Graem. I think they key is going to be to keep active ie tot spot, play groups, and sciencecenter.

And, to move the spaceheater into the living room!

The least I can do...

is to hop on payperpost and make a few dollars while I'm awake!

You know me...always on my toes and thinking of a way to make a fast dollar.

Hmm...I'm hungry. Too bad, I can't eat into my profits!

A good ole fashioned 4:22am post

Well, my alarm clock at 4:22 this morning was of course my very small bladder and Margot's SNORING!

She snores so loud and many times when I scream "STOP" or "You're snoring" it stops for 3.9 seconds and continues at a different octive.

So, I figure I'd hop online, make a post or two --- get even more tired then by 5:00am I'll be so tired it won't matter if elephants are stomping around I'll fall asleep!

We'll see if it works.

STILL BLOATED - the saga continues

or at least my bitching about it!

I weighed myself and I've gained almost 5lbs since my HCG shot Tuesday night. I'm suppose to weigh myself nightly because if I gain tons of weight it means that the Ovarian Hyperstimulation is progressing and my doctor needs to step in.

Of course, I still feel overly bloated - but I'm not sure if I've gained weight because of that or because I've been eating for ten.

I took a home pregnancy test today and of course it was negative! I wanted to make sure that the HCG shot was out of my system so if/when I do get a positive there's not doubt that it's actually a pregnancy and not the shot!

Still quite hopeful, although I haven't felt any kicks or anything yet!

Lunch at Longview -- YUMMY!

After church we went to Lydia's grandmother (Nani's) assisted living apartment complex for lunch.

The food was quite tasty and you know how much we love a good, FREE, meal!

I had the beef tips and Margot had the lamb. The salad bar is pretty good too and I really love their potato salad.

The bizarre thing is that I've never been all that passionate about potato salad and even when I lived in Texas I don't think I even tasted it.

Maybe, I am maturing in my tastes....

Church today...

was really insightful. It made you think about how you live your life day to day and really miss some of the most precious things. Also, it talked about connecting to people on an more personal level and how it's easy to connect with them in a superficial way or not at all.

Graem did great at nursery school and when I checked in with her she was doing puzzles. When we went to pick her up she was being held by one of the workers. I think she'd had enough of nursery school after an hour!

Last night with Dada

We had such a great time with Jen C. last night. Graem was at an all time high and absolutely hilarious!! (She gets that from me, btw)

She was doing scrunch face all the time and then when I asked who was funny she kept saying "Mommy funny." Of course, we know that's not the truth and that it's Mama!!

Then she'd get so excited that she'd put both of her hands on her head and clap her hands. It was so damn cute and I wish that we'd been able to capture the moment forever.

Dada also read Graem about 20 books ranging from "Dinosaurs" to "No, David!"

A good time was had by all and we even got to do a little traveling with Sydney before the night was over. (We watched Alias on TV!)

Today's schedule

Today we are going to St. Paul's Methodist Church to enjoy the services. We have decided to get there earlier than last time to get Graem settled in the nursery school.

After church services we are going to head out to lunch with Laura and Lydia. Not quite sure the destination yet --- but I'm voting for Garcia's Mexican Restaurant!

Today I'm feeling...

alright. I had to pee 5 times last night and so going up and down stairs became way too routine by the 4th time. Each time I wake up it's harder and harder to get back to sleep.

Not to mention, Margot was snoring like a banchee so it was hard to get back to sleep then I would yell at her to stop!

I had some minor twinges and cramping last night from my left ovary so at this point I'm imaging how the fertilized egg was released from the left tube and is now trying to implant.

Who knows if that is even close to what's going on - maybe someone slipped me a roofy last night in my gatorade.

Goodmorning and Goodnight for Saddam.

So, I woke up this morning, read CNN.com and saw that Saddam Hussein is to be put to death by hanging.

Bizarre is all I can say. I just hope it isn't televised.

Parents... putting the fun in dysfunctional.

So it's been forever since I've actually had a good conversation with my parents and there's a side of me that says "fuck them"...but a much bigger side of me that really wants to have a relationship with family. Any family.

It makes me jealous almost to see our friends who are close with their parents and brothers and sister because I wish I had a supportive family.

The last time I had the need to talk with family -- I called and left a message on the answering machine of my parents. Much to my credit, I was having some symptoms of diabetes, peeing many times, thirsty, and just an overall poor diet. So, I called and left a message on my parent's answering machine.

My dad returned my call within few hours to tell me that our family history did not have diabetes and it was a very distant conversation. He said my mother had lost a lot of weight and that they were working out and eating better. He didn't ask how Margot or Graem was and that was pretty painful.

Then for some stupid reason I told him that I had a chemical/miscarried pregnancy. Almost like I just wanted him to say "I'm sorry" or "God, that sucks." But he didn't say a word.

I guess I really should just move on and realize that my parents suck and that they'll never be part of my life. Every time they are... things just go crazy and dysfunctional.

I can't imagine not giving a shit about Grammy's life or not talking to her for months at a time. Even if I was mad at her or we had a fight... I'd forget my pride and make sure that we connected. Especially if I knew she really needed a parent...

Tomorrow's schedule

Tomorrow we are planning on going to St. Paul's Church then going out for lunch with Laura and Lydia afterwards. We haven't picked the destination yet...but I'm sure it will be one either very cheap or one where we can use our coupon.

Afterwards Margot has tons of work and has to go into work for a few hours.

I know she has lots of work and would probably be working even if I had a job...but I can't help but feel like me not having a job is causing her to have to work more.

I really can't help but pray and think that this whole pregnancy thing will work. If it did...I'd feel so fortunate and financially, it would help us out so much cause then I could get back on my Healthy New York Insurance and we'd be able to save approx $200/month cause Grammy could get on my insurance.

Also, I must remember this week to followup on the adoption. I swear I turned in the paperwork over a month ago and haven't heard anything back.

Thanksgiving plans

So, we've been invited to so many different Thanksgiving dinners it's not even funny. I wish we could work it to attend all of them and creatively maybe we can...hmmm...

Kathy and Martin, Lydia's family, and Mary and Elise have all invited us to Thanksgiving at their respective places.

I think Margot's brother might be coming for Thanksgiving so we might just stay here and do our own family Thanksgiving dinner just the 4 of us.

It's been a while since we've seen Dennis and I wish he were more active in Graem's life. I mean he and Margot's dad are the only real family that we have and it's sad that we aren't closer.

Maybe, this is coming from someone who is an only child and would die to have a brother or sister to talk to or parents who were in the picture.

Today's schedule

Today we are in the middle of cleaning the house - Margot's cleaning while I'm upstairs blogging (Please, don't tell!).

Then I think we're going to go to The Commons to hang out and at 2:00pm or so we will meet up with one of Margot's old school friends Liska. (I love that name, BTW). Her husband, Francis, and her have a little boy Leo who is just a few days/weeks older or younger than Graem. I can't remember.

I think we're just going to meet up at Cornell and catch up and let the kids run around.

Hopefully, this afternoon we'll come back home and Graem will be ready for naptime! Which of course allows me to catch up on Alias!!

Day 17

Well, my first insemination was Wednesday and we had an insemination Thursday too. Today is Saturday and over the past few days I've been bloated, had some cramping and major discharge.

I really do think that I might have ovulated Thursday night because that's when I had really bad cramping and Friday morning when I woke up had major discharge.

So, that means that our boy 2480 might have a better chance at being the donor to win the egg!!

We'll see though...who knows BOGO might come through for us even though his sperm was a little on the slow/little side!

My second post!

So, I just got a message from payperpost that my website has been declined so I really should go ahead and start posting up a storm in order to get it approved so I can start making some $$!!

My first post!

Well, here it is --- the new website! We figured instead of bogging down our old site with payperposts we'd just get a new one.

This used to be Margot's idea of getting rich quick...but I have since adapted it. As long as it pays for my monthly insurance premiums I'm hooked.