Blah.

Well, my birthday's in a few days and I must admit that I'm not looking too forward to it. It was suppose to be my midwife appointment and I would have been 9 weeks pregnant. SHIT.

I feel like Christmas was just a joke and that it was almost cruel to make me think that I had the best Christmas gift ever when in reality three days later I'd be robbed.

It just makes me so mad and sad at the same time.

Today I went to CNY and they did an ultrasound and bloodwork. My lining is still around 8 and considered thick. My HCG was 21 or so I don't remember the specifics. I just want this all to be over.

I talked to the nurse about moving forward and she keeps emphasizing to take time off and just make sure that my body heals...blah blah blah. I just feel like the more time I take - the shittier I feel about all of this.

I just need to get back into it and get pregnant. I think that's really the only thing that's going to make me feel better.

I also got the scripts that Dennis will need to be a known donor if we want to go that route. I don't know what his timeframe is and feel that I really can't push it...but I also feel like I should try to figure out what's going to be our next step.

IVF NJ called and said that if we were going to use Dennis that we would have to buy his sperm from a sperm bank and it would have to be quarantined for 6 months. Total bullshit if you ask me cause I could just as easily get his diseases if we did an IUI.

All of this is so damn ridiculous. I'm just glad that CNY isn't making us jump through hoops.

I think we'll just stick to the initial plan of doing our first IVF there and if it doesn't work we'll reaccess and if we go to IVF-NJ maybe we'll use Margot's eggs. I think it's ridiculous to have to go through the whole sperm bank option if we're using a known donor!!