Right when I thought it was all okay...

It isn't.

The reality is no matter how hard I try ... I just can't forget it all.

Tonight we went out for dinner and the little things that even before might have bothered me a little - bothered me a lot.

There was a pregnant waitress at the restaurant that we were at...and I saw her baby belly...and just thought about how in a couple of months "I should have had a baby bump."

Then as we were leaving the restaurant we saw a cute little baby. Then I thought about how hard it's going to be come August to see newborns. Knowing that very well, I would have had a newborn in August.

When I went to the bathroom at the resturant I just sat on the toilet and cried. Each time I see blood whether it be on the pad or on the toilet paper it just reminds me of the sac that should have carried my baby for the next 9 months.

It makes me sad that it failed me.

Tonight when we got home I just really felt the need to check on "it" in the backyard. It was dark so I took a flashlight out with me. On my way out I decided to tell Margot cause I didn't want her to not know where I was going.

She told me that last night she woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to put one of Grammy's toys over the plot so that the neighbor dog wouldn't dig it up.

Of course, that made me almost sadder because I realized that this has been on her mind just as much if not more than my own.

When I went out there it was somewhat of a relief to see that everything was just the way we left it after the ceremony. The rocks were in the same place and the soil looked fresh.

I walked over and then started crying. I apologized a few times and with tears rolling down my face I said "I love you".

I just wish I would have been able to say those words to my child face to face.