Right when I thought it was all okay...

It isn't.

The reality is no matter how hard I try ... I just can't forget it all.

Tonight we went out for dinner and the little things that even before might have bothered me a little - bothered me a lot.

There was a pregnant waitress at the restaurant that we were at...and I saw her baby belly...and just thought about how in a couple of months "I should have had a baby bump."

Then as we were leaving the restaurant we saw a cute little baby. Then I thought about how hard it's going to be come August to see newborns. Knowing that very well, I would have had a newborn in August.

When I went to the bathroom at the resturant I just sat on the toilet and cried. Each time I see blood whether it be on the pad or on the toilet paper it just reminds me of the sac that should have carried my baby for the next 9 months.

It makes me sad that it failed me.

Tonight when we got home I just really felt the need to check on "it" in the backyard. It was dark so I took a flashlight out with me. On my way out I decided to tell Margot cause I didn't want her to not know where I was going.

She told me that last night she woke up in the middle of the night and went outside to put one of Grammy's toys over the plot so that the neighbor dog wouldn't dig it up.

Of course, that made me almost sadder because I realized that this has been on her mind just as much if not more than my own.

When I went out there it was somewhat of a relief to see that everything was just the way we left it after the ceremony. The rocks were in the same place and the soil looked fresh.

I walked over and then started crying. I apologized a few times and with tears rolling down my face I said "I love you".

I just wish I would have been able to say those words to my child face to face.

Each day...

tends to get a little bit easier. Margot and me talked quite a bit last night and just went over some things that we had been thinking.

We also started talking about the next step and where to go from here. I feel somewhat numb but I feel like I just need to move on and I'm tired of feeling sad. I don't think it's ignoring any emotions...I just feel like I can't go be down anymore.

So, I think we are going to go ahead and go forward with another IUI as soon as we can. My bleeding has slowed down quite a bit almost to where I'm not bleeding at all or if I do it's in the toilet as I'm peeing.

I think for the most part -- I'm doing alright physically and just want it all to be over.

A friend was telling me that it takes a good 6-8 weeks to get your period after a miscarriage so once I get my period I'll be able to start up on another cycle.

I think we're going to stick with our plan of using 2480 - we have one vial left then go from there. Who knows...stranger things *have* happened and this could work.

I guess all in all...I just have to have faith in the process. Even if I'm not 100% gung-ho about the process...I feel like I have to have hope and faith that I'll get pregnant at some point and I'll be holding a newborn in my arms in our future.

*sigh*

Well, that was short lived.

I've been posting mainly on the other website - but figured I should probably update this one too.

I miscarried. December 28th.

It was quite tramatic and I had been spotting for nearly a week and a half then all of a sudden that morning I woke up to a huge clot feeling like it was coming out. I was sleeping at the time and ran downstairs. Then it dropped in the toilet. I screamed and Margot came down.

We just cried and held each other. It was the single worst moment of my life. To know that I was losing our baby and there was nothing that either of us could do.

Fast forward to days to today. We buried the remains and basically it just looked like a big blood clot. I just couldn't bear to see it...whether it was just too much blood or just knowing that that was the baby that never happened.

Either way...I've got to figure out how to move on. I went for an emergency session yesterday with my shrink and that was helpful. I think I'll continue going once a week or so until I figure some of this stuff out.

Just if I could fast forward everything to like 2 months from now -- it'd probably help!

Dating?

Oh boy...ya gotta love going on that first date! The great thing about online dating is that you somewhat get through the kinks of the "first date" in the comfort of your own home with your keyboard in front of you and maybe even in your pajamas!

JustSayHi offers a free dating service for those searching singles out there! We've actually had friends go through other services and they were so expensive. Of course even more ridiculous than that is that they charged for every single thing!

This can obviously get expensive and if it's still not working then not only are you dateless and lonely...but also broke!

I feel guilty...

This was my baby blog and I've really been bad about posting! I've been posting mainly on the other blog because I've somewhat run out of time and it's pretty tedious to post twice.

But I will make more of an effort to post on this blog and post different information on what I'm feeling, etc.

So, the news - I'm pregnant!!!

I was having some cramping at 4 weeks 5 days last week and we got an ultrasound. It showed 2 sacs!

Then I had some light discharge almost like a mucusy pink and brown so we got to go for an ultrasound Friday. We saw one perfect sac.

There was quite a sense of relief - I must admit! Having 3 kids under 3 scared the living crap out of me! Not to mention the dangers of carrying two babies.

It makes me quite sad that my parents aren't involved and it seems like they could honestly give two craps. I called my dad to tell him and he said "well, I know you wanted this." and then the conversation ended.

Then last week my mother sent us a Christmas card, ornaments, and checks and I called to thank her. She was cold as ice.

Being a parent, I can't imagine how she can be so cold to her child. When I asked her if she had heard she said "yes, your father told me." Then preceded to say how he saw it on our website - but she didn't go to our website.

After such a cold conversation and I got the feeling she just didn't give a shit -- we ended the conversation. It upset me but not to the point that it used to upset me. I know she's just a very mean and hateful person and this has always been the case.

Every time I find happiness she tries to find way to ruin it. This time, I've really learned to find love and acceptance from different people.

So, unfortunately, instead of my parents being happy, active, and a loving role in Graem and the new babies life....I'd rather surround ourselves with Margot's brother, her Aunt and Uncle, and our close friends.

Life is too short.

10 days past ovulation

So here I am 10 days past ovulation - 3 days til I do my beta and I'm not quite sure what to think.

I promised Margot I wouldn't do a HPT and so I really have no idea if it worked or not. I'm dying to test because it would be either negative or positive today and I think it'd be a pretty clear indicator. Especially since I bought the good tests.

I've had some cramping and I can't tell if it's period cramps or other cramping. It's more sharp cramping on either side than dull cramping in the middle.

Also, I've had a little bit of nausea that comes and goes -- but I haven't really had much in the past few days.

My boobs aren't sore and I haven't gained any weight.

One thing that I realized is because I will more than likely be substituting Wednesday I can't get my blood test. AUGH.

So, I'm probably going to take a HPT Tuesday night and then go Thursday for my blood test. Unless I can get to the hospital by 3:00 and then hopefully, call by 4:00pm to get the results Wednesday.

It's weird cause I feel pretty emotional the past few days and overall just plain shitty. I feel like maybe this didn't work and I'm just sick of getting the short end of the deal. I feel like I've already been through so much and why can't this just fucking work already.

Sorry for the profanity -- but anyone who's been through this knows it's not easy and even though you try to be sensible there's nothing sensible about not getting pregnant after $45,000 of infertility treatments.

9 days past ovulation

Well, over the past few days I've been feeling yucky. Plus, a little twitching and cramping here and there. But I just don't know.

It's extremely inconsistent. Not to mention that my boobs don't hurt at all.

I guess the good thing is that I still have "some" symptoms this late. I think this time last month I didn't feel anything and realized that cramping I was getting was my period trying to come but the prometrium wasn't letting it!

I'm just taking it one day at a time -- I really have no idea if it worked or not at this point. I'm not sure I will until I see that home pregnancy test Wednesday or get the call from my blood test!

Not one darn symptom.

So, I have absolutely no symptoms yet! I know, I know - it's so early and the embryos haven't even implanted yet!

But you know me --- I like to bitch and moan about something!

I think today and tomorrow would be the days that the embryo would try to latch on to my uterus. Maybe I'll feel something?

One of my dear infertility friends who I did a cycle with in Las Vegas - and is a doctor said that - she has this very weird sense that this cycle worked.

She didn't say that last time or even the cycle in Las Vegas.

I figure that if it did work we'll get to do an ultrasound right around Christmas! That would be the Christmas gift of a lifetime.

4 days past ovulation

Today I should have a 4 or 5 day embryo if everything is on schedule. I've had some twinges here and there and swear that I have twitchy ovaries.

I actually had sore breasts before I started PIO and progesterone.

But other than that -- I haven't had any real symptoms.

The next few days are implantation days and we will see what happens.

I should know by next Wednesday if this works or not. WOO WOO!

Oh, we looked at the new Chinese Donor that just got released. He seems alright - however, he comes off a little pretentious. We'll see. I'm not going to order his full profile until I know for sure that this one didn't work. All in all, he seems like a good donor and he's really our only option for tall Chi-nee donor!

1 day past insemination!

So yesterday I was feeling very full - I kept telling Margot that I was full of sperm but she insists that it's just my ovaries that are huge!

Today, I feel full and also a little achey.

I'm really taking this cycle in stride and I have a lot going on these days - so it helps with me not focusing on "if I'm pregnant" more or less.

I'm still not going to do pee sticks - at least for the time being. Of course, I'm not too tempted now cause I know there's no way I'm pregnant quite yet.

It's not until I get on progesterone and oil and I start having pregnancy symptoms that I feel "pregnant" and then want to test every 30 minutes.

This time -- I figure "whatever" -- seriously though. If it's meant to be it will be and no amount of testing in the world is going to have it come positive.

I feel we did the best we could do this insemination and it should work.

However, we know how that works.